OPINION: Time critters heeded social distancing

Self-isolation and social distancing are difficult concepts to understand, and there are people who obviously struggle with them.

But they aren’t the only ones.

There are others totally ignorant of the whole idea.

Those “others” are all the critters that insist on living in my house, ranging from frogs, grasshoppers, moths, geckos and others whom I’m not on a name basis with.

Take the frogs — and please do come and take as many as you want. With five of them all squeezing into the bath plughole, they are bound to be basically peeing on each other, because I swear that’s what frogs do 90 per cent of the time.

Once they make it into the bath, they tend to spread out a little, but that’s when it becomes my problem.

I prefer to be socially distanced from frogs at all times, but they just won’t get the message.

All the screaming, swearing, kicking and arm-waving should convince them to stay well away, but do they take any notice?

Not one damned bit.

The grasshoppers, I’ve found, tend to be a bit more responsible.

I’m not sure if it’s because the grasshoppers living with us aren’t on good terms with each other or if they are just an antisocial bunch.

Like the frogs though, they too are quite happy to get up close and personal with me, though my reaction is on a much lower scale than with frogs.

In fact, I will sometimes grab them and release them outside in the hope of convincing them that’s where they belong. They haven’t got the message yet.

Flies have never known what self-isolation or social distancing are all about, and the ones here have taken the whole idea of being “in your face” to a whole new level.

From dawn to dusk, their aim is to spend as much time as they can crawling all over me.

The only form of social distancing they understand, I’ve found, comes in a spray can.

One will dispose of flies, the other choke you to death.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get much worse, I visited the loo early this morning.

Having checked high and low for frogs, I was feeling secure and settled when something swooped in and out. That bat had better find somewhere else to self-isolate — FAST!